


I have never loved myself

by queenofseventeen



Series: The domestic life of Minyard-Josten [3]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Andrew tells Neil he loved him for the first time, M/M, also andrews birthday, but they dont celebrate it, its just a quiet day, they just hang out on the couch
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-07
Updated: 2018-03-07
Packaged: 2019-03-28 09:23:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13901049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queenofseventeen/pseuds/queenofseventeen
Summary: Andrew finally works up the courage to tell Neil he loves him, and panics right after.





	I have never loved myself

**Author's Note:**

> ““You can’t love someone unless you love yourself first.” bullshit.  
> i have never loved myself  
> but you  
> oh god, i loved you so much i forgot what hating myself felt like.”

It was his thirty second birthday. Thirty two years since he had been popped out of Tilda and sent towards foster system. Twelve years since Andrew had met Neil. Twelve years since he had found his pathetic liar and six years since they had gotten married. It wasn't like he had a choice. Neil had gotten himself in an accident during his game and Andrew wasn't allowed into his hospital room. They weren't even out yet, how was he to explain that he had lived with Neil since he was twenty one. That he had been something with this idiot for so much longer than anyone knew. 

The doctors wouldn't let him into that room. He couldn't see Neil till a day later when Neil had woken up and asked for him. They had gotten married a week later. Never again Andrew had promised himself.

Still he hadn't found himself to speak the words he knew everyone expected of him. Everyone but Neil. Neil had only ever asked for what could be given. Never had he taken from Andrew and it still left him reeling. Still left feeling confused every time Neil gave him one of those looks. Andrew wass looking at him now. Neil had gone out earlier that day to get him a bottle of scotch, the good stuff, a new pack of cigarettes and ice cream. He hadn't pushed for any other presents. He still didn't understand how gifts really worked. You bought something for someone and expect them to thank you for it even if they hated it. It was a stupid habit.

Neil hadn’t said those words either. He might have thought them but never said them, afraid that Andrew couldn’t handle him. That he would get up and leave but how could he leave Neil. Neil had never willingly left him.

Neil was lying on the couch, all his attention on playing with the stupid cats. He didn’t even leave room for Andrew. Where was he expected to sit now? Not on the ground that was for sure. Andrew leant against the door frame, looking as Neil kept Sir from catching on to the threads of his sleeve while his other hand was petting King. 

“Staring,” Neil said without looking up. He more than liked using Andrew’s words against him and Andrew more than liked looking at Neil. He more than liked looking at Neils face with that stupid grin and those scars that only seemed to enhance how attractive he was. 

“Where am I going to sit?” Andrew asked detaching himself from the door and walking into the living room. He stopped in front of the couch raising an eyebrow. He had promised himself to show Neil a bit more. After all that time Neil deserved a bit more. Neil deserved everything but Andrew couldn’t give him everything not yet. 

Neil pushed Sir and King away before lying on his back. “Yes or no?” Andrew thought about it for a while. He could still push the cats of the couch, sit on the floor or even return to the kitchen but this was Neil and Neil was safe so he stepped closer and lowered himself so he was lying on top of Neil, his head resting on his chest. The steady beating of Neil’s heart grounding him while at the same time making him feel like he was drifting. He saw the flurry of hands before Neil once again asked yes or no. After confirmation Neil’s hands started to softly massage his scalp, running his fingers between the locks of blond hair. Andrew felt his eyes fall close with every soft stroke, the thrum of his husband’s heart loud against his ear. 

He remembered Nicky saying once that you couldn’t love people unless you loved yourself first. That was bullshit. Andrew had never loved himself, never even liked himself but Neil- He loved Neil so fiercely that he forgot what hating himself felt like. 

Andrew opened his eyes and pushed himself up a little, looking into those piercing blue eyes. “Neil,” he started. Neil hummed in response and stopped moving his fingers for a second. “I love you.” Neil deserved to know, deserved to know as much about Andrew as Andrew knew about him so Andrew accepted the silence that came after his confession and lied down again. “I promise I love you,” he said. What if Neil didn’t feel like that? What if he wanted to leave? Andrew would handle it if Neil left him. After all everything he cared about left him in the end. Nicky might still call him but he was in Germany, Aaron wasn’t around much and only deigned the occasional visit but he had kids so Andrew was supposed to understand. But Neil had never willingly left him. Had gone through hell for him. If he didn’t want anything to do with Andrew after this he would accept it. It would destroy him, yes, but he would accept it as long as Neil was happy. Neil deserved to be happy. 

A finger under his chin made him look up again. “I love you,” Neil told him. His eyes scanned Andrew’s face hoping for anything, any sliver of emotion and Andrew gave in. The relief felt odd on his facial features but Neil’s smile was worth it. “Yes or no?” And if his lips lingered a little longer after their kiss Neil wasn’t going to say anything. Andrew just laid back down and prompted Neils fingers to resume their work against his skull. Content to lie there with Neil because this was their  _ this.  _ This was their love.

**Author's Note:**

> @queen-of-seventeen


End file.
